I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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