We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
