is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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