Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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