Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
