You smell like a Billy Joel song
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
