I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
