btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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