Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
