ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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