During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
