I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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