I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
