I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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