I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
