At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
