and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize