Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
