Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize