Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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