So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
