I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
