I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
