Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
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So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
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Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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