i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
We had to coat check the pizza.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.