Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
