guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
