explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
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