don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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