I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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