my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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