God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
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