I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
That accounts for only three of the penises
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
