im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
