My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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