You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
