Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
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