mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.