She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
There's always time for handjobs
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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