I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
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From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
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His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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