Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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