We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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