a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
