Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
