Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
