I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
