I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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