At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
