It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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