Apparently you make a good broom.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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