we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
you would pick up someone in the library
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize