a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
