It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
