Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
not ubering you a puppy
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