I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
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