Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
