at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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